–it’s nothing, really…

change is inevitable.  i once said, change should not be feared, for to experience change is to progress in life, to move on.  now that my father has died…it seems as if time has stood still.  it seems as if the clock has stopped becuase i (along wiht my mom and brother) should be waiting for something to happen and it has not happened yet.  something dreadful? something awful? or something different? i do not know…but one thing is for sure…im holding my breath for it…

but change is slow…and i hate the feeling of waiting…waiting for what? i’ve always been the one who initiates change in the family.  from little things like food to big things like beliefs.  im not afraid to experiment. im not afraid to test the power i have within just to amuse myself and others.  ive never been afraid…till now.

im afraid of many things.  im afraid for my mother because she’s lost the only man who took care of her when she needed it (its always been her who takes care of others)…im afraid for my brother — he’s too young to lose a father… and for myself because i never like it when he leaves and now he’s left us (and never to come back)…

and for the first time, we are bearing our loneliness — separately.  we do not burden eachother with sympathies and superficial talk anymore.  we have learned to weep silently and in secret…we talk but we don’t converse about our feelings anymore…we do assure eachother…but our conversations have already lost that depth.  it seems as if each one of us has retreated to our inner core to mourn silently.

how long will this last? i do not really know…and frankly speaking…i’m too tired to ever wish to be happy again… i see them and i see, behind the smiles and polite conversations they have with others, the same blank expressions i see when i look in the mirror.  i listen to their voices and i hear the same hollowness i hear in my own voice.

each of us feel lonely and alone…but we neither have the interest nor the will to rouse ourelves from this.  it will pass right? help? we don’t need help right now…we will gather and seek eachother when the time comes.  but for now…we must leave eachother alone…no matter how cold it can be…because this time…my brother and i — we need the solitude to grow up…and we have to leave our mother alone for the time being…she needs it…she deserves it…she is strong but she doesn’t respond too nicely to change…she needs time to prepare.