I hate the world today…You’re so good to me, I know, but I can’t change…
Tried to tell you but you looked at me like maybe (that) I’m an angel underneath…Innocent and sweet…

Yesterday I cried…You must have been relieved to see the softer side.
I can understand how you’d be so confused.  I don’t envy you
I’m a little bit of everything…All rolled into one.

I’m a bitch
I’m a lover
I’m a child
I’m a mother
I’m a sinner
I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell
I’m you dream
I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way

So take me as I am…This may mean you’ll have to be a stronger man…
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous…And I’m going to extremes…Tomorrow I will change — And today won’t mean a thing.

Just when you think you got me figured out…The season’s already changin’…I think it’s cool you do whatcha do — And don’t try to save me

I’m a bitch
I’m a tease
I’m a goddess on my knees
When you’re hurt
When you suffer
I’m your angel undercover
I’ve been numb
I’m revived
Can’t say I’m not alive
You know I wouldn’t want it any other way

change is inevitable.  i once said, change should not be feared, for to experience change is to progress in life, to move on.  now that my father has died…it seems as if time has stood still.  it seems as if the clock has stopped becuase i (along wiht my mom and brother) should be waiting for something to happen and it has not happened yet.  something dreadful? something awful? or something different? i do not know…but one thing is for sure…im holding my breath for it…

but change is slow…and i hate the feeling of waiting…waiting for what? i’ve always been the one who initiates change in the family.  from little things like food to big things like beliefs.  im not afraid to experiment. im not afraid to test the power i have within just to amuse myself and others.  ive never been afraid…till now.

im afraid of many things.  im afraid for my mother because she’s lost the only man who took care of her when she needed it (its always been her who takes care of others)…im afraid for my brother — he’s too young to lose a father… and for myself because i never like it when he leaves and now he’s left us (and never to come back)…

and for the first time, we are bearing our loneliness — separately.  we do not burden eachother with sympathies and superficial talk anymore.  we have learned to weep silently and in secret…we talk but we don’t converse about our feelings anymore…we do assure eachother…but our conversations have already lost that depth.  it seems as if each one of us has retreated to our inner core to mourn silently.

how long will this last? i do not really know…and frankly speaking…i’m too tired to ever wish to be happy again… i see them and i see, behind the smiles and polite conversations they have with others, the same blank expressions i see when i look in the mirror.  i listen to their voices and i hear the same hollowness i hear in my own voice.

each of us feel lonely and alone…but we neither have the interest nor the will to rouse ourelves from this.  it will pass right? help? we don’t need help right now…we will gather and seek eachother when the time comes.  but for now…we must leave eachother alone…no matter how cold it can be…because this time…my brother and i — we need the solitude to grow up…and we have to leave our mother alone for the time being…she needs it…she deserves it…she is strong but she doesn’t respond too nicely to change…she needs time to prepare.

why is that sad look in your eyes? why are you crying? tell me now, tell me now, tell me why you’re feeling this way…i hate to see you so down, oh baby…is it your heart? (ooh) that’s breaking all in pieces (?) — making you cry…making you feel blue.  is there anything that i can do?

why don’t you tell me where it hurts, now, baby…and i’ll do my best to make it better…yes i’ll do my best to make, those tears all go away…just tell me where it hurts, now, tell me…and i’ll love you wiht a love so tender…oh and if you let stay, i’ll love all of the hurt away…

where are those tears coming from? did somebody, (somebody?) somebody left your heart in the cold?  you just need somebody to hold on, baby…give me a chance to put back all the pieces.  take hold of your heart, make it just like new.  there’s so many things that i can do.